Getting help, what is it? Now I am finally seeing a psychologist who has 30 years of experience with traumatized people, who is interested in me and aware of her own shortcomings and strengths. Being a psychologist or a therapist is probably difficult sometimes. When you are passionate about it and have chosen the right profession, it is wonderful. He is in private practice and it took twenty years something for me to be able to pay for my therapy. And I'm glad because good therapy helps, makes all the difference, to me and my life.


But the help I have been offered by general care and society was no help at all. Most recently, after a number of years in the treatment queue, I was to receive a full ten sessions for my PTSD and DID. That is the best trauma care offered by general health care. It's a bit of a mockery, a bandaid on a broken bone. But you have to be grateful for what you get. Right? You feel a little bad and awful that didn't quite get better from that bandaid.


For the raped turn the betrayal against themselves, rather than being angered by such violations - severe trauma takes years to heal, hard work and a lot of suffering, because healing is suffering. Yet you will do almost anything to be free of the oppression, the one that perpetrators have created within you. Freedom from crippling anxiety, nightmares, constant shame and fear. To become who you really are.


Before I found my fine therapist, I was mangled by the mental health system. After child psychiatry (90's) I was sent around between clinics. To get any therapy here I needed another diagnosis and to get help there the diagnosis was changed, so I would fit into the system. Because general psychiatric care is like a big cold factory. If I studied I wasn't allowed to go to therapy and if I stood up for myself a psychiatrist would get crancy and fiddle with the certificate to the social security office.


It made absolutely no difference what I said, what I had to share about my own life. It was all about the diagnosis. And if my problems didn't match the temporary diagnosis, then I was difficult. Then there was criticism instead of, for example, having a little surf and googling my symptoms. Though that would mean respect for the patient, and if you couldn't neatly package it, there was no interest at all. Then you could go to hell. Good wills drowned to the clatter of machinery.

Then there is the legal system. Okay, so I'm a victim of crime, I thought. It's not me that's at fault after all, as I thought all my growing up years. I'm not a child anymore so now it's my responsibility to take care of my life. To stand up for myself. And I need to end the connection with my abuser. He's my dad, or was. Now he's my perpetrator and no one wants to spend time with their perpetrator. His children, need to be free and heal. Save what can be saved.


The first time I reported him I was only 22 years old. I had no support. I was terrified of what my dad would do when he found out I had reported him. But I knew I was doing the right thing. My lawyer, who was never available, didn't know that. The police called me in for questioning, but then it dragged on. I withdraw my report when I couldn't take being afraid anymore.


The second time I reported the incest I was twenty-nine years old. I had four different law students as my lawyer and four different police officers interrogating me. There is no doubt whatsoever that I am severely traumatized by sexual assault. My records start in child psychiatry, but because child psychiatry and adult psychiatry are so terribly deficient, that was not enough evidence. Evidence by the way, what the police are asking for are photographs and videos of the abuse. In homes it doesn't really occur, rather in porn circles, but it is in homes that most abuse happens.


When the perpetrator is a psychopath (as they usually are) it affects his/her entire environment. Everyone is afraid for their lives but subconciuosly. Everyone are muzzled. There are no witnesses. Everyone is brainwashed and threatened unspokenly. The cops called after three years and said that now the statute of limitations has expired so now they are closing the investigation. Nobody wants to meet a paedophile psychopath, I think.


I have not gone through what I have gone through for pleasure. Today, it is possible to x-ray the brain, both to see trauma and to see empathy disorders and perpetrator behaviour. So there is really no excuse at all for what has been done to me (all of us.) What rights? New trauma is what it's all about.