THE SOUL, WHAT IS IT?

There is a state that is in a borderland. A borderland between soul and psyche. Between sickness and health. Between then and now. Between body parts and physical functions. This condition is called DID, or dissociative identity disorder.

TRAUMA

First and foremost and number one, there are many ideas about DID and little knowledge. DID is not a sensational Hollywood diagnosis. It is not very common but it often occurs where there has been trauma in early childhood. It is not a throwaway diagnosis, given to every lost traumatised youth. It is not a gimmick or a show, a party trick with personalities that you happily juggle around, but has to do with great suffering.

I who have DID am: Not crazy.

Not hopeless.

Not an actor.

Not generally confused.

Not a phony.

Not sick.

Not lost/tragic case - I'm a survivor.

Not acting out or seeking attention.

RECONCILIATION

I just had such a nice moment with two teenagers, one hard and rejecting, the other sensitive and shy. They have been at each other's throats for many years. Just now they opened up to each other for the first time. Because I've grown lately and I know what they need from me - empathy, acceptance and recognition. They have carried the heaviest and most painful things for me, so that I have been able to make a life for myself alongside all the torture and rape.

WHOLE AND BROKEN AT THE SAME TIME

In many ways I am whole. I have a sense of responsibility, morals and intelligence. Jag have empathy and love. Despite of traumas with torture, things a child can not make any sence of.

I survived, thanks to DID.

What I want to say is: DID exists and saved my life. I'm not special for having DID, wether in a positive or negative way.I am traumatized.

My first years with parents who ripped me apart did not make me a perpetrator, nor did the abuse take my life. I just got busy living with pieces.

WHO WE ARE

To live with DID is to live with the fear of traumas that have happened. It is living with the anxiety that comes from internal conflict. Part of me has to be loyal to a perpetrator, another part of me is afraid of the same perpetrator. Inside are parts with emotions and names frozen in time of trauma and carrying different survival strategies, and characteristics. They are not superheroes or monsters, but versions of the person I have been from birth to now.

WHO I AM AND HOW IT BECAME

Identity is about who you are, your personality, your core. Identity disorder is about what has happened. I've never disappeared. I am me: writer, man, animal lover, etc. But at times I have been invaded by memories that create strong emotions that create fragmentation/dissociation.

PEACE FOR PIECES

I am my parts and I need them. They should be respected as all human lives should be respected. Some take their parts home by living side by side with them in a kind of extended family. Others bring their parts home by integrating them with the self. For DID is very individual, just as each life is individual for each person. But for those of us with DID, there are common denominators, i.e. the parts. One thing I wish for everyone with DID:

Peace for pieces.