An other "me"
I had no idea what was happening. Suddenly I was just there. In Stockholm, grown up but alone in the night. F had left and I had been through this before. That the one who lived in my body and called herself "I" couldn't stand the pressure and abandoned the boat. But now... besides F, who called herself"I", there were other people who called themselves "I" and took over. And then I slipped away to a dark place, safe and distant.
The boss resigns
This time it was really bad. I was twenty-eight years old and my father was back in my life. There was the threat. On the other hand, F had found a group of friends in the Twelve Step programme, who showed her a lot of support and warmth. F who is a hard and tough, but nine year old, warrior did not have the tools to handle this incomprehensible warmth and pushed her way.
Nobody knows what it is
Now it was just me and my parts and the terror I felt for them/their pain was total. I was afraid that I/they would jump in front of the train every time I went somewhere. There was chaos and the parts came out one after the other. For a while I tried desperately to get help from the mental health services but instead got dismissed and outright bullied. Until I came to the crisis and trauma unit. It seemed to be the only place where there was knowledge of DID.
Living and thriving
This crisis lasted for six months. Then I knew that now was the time to start approaching the parts. I understood it intuitively. My phobia, which is one of the conditions of DID, had to be challenged. It was my life and I wanted to live it. Maybe I had grown up with an acute need to keep them away, but now I had to admit they had done a fantastic job.
That was fourteen years ago now. DID is not healed overnight but I feel good today and can own myself and my life. I am present. That was really all I wanted all along.